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One of our main objectives as parents is to establish clear limits with our children, that allow them to understand what is acceptable and what is not, that help them to strive for what they want, to regulate their behavior in the different environments in which they are they move, to develop values and to establish positive social relationships with adults and peers. On this path we always have the best intentions, however, the challenge of doing it firmly but lovingly, based on respect, is not an easy thing. Without realizing it, sometimes we end generating fear in our children.
There are docile and gentle children with whom the process of upbringing and education becomes more relaxed. However, there are more rebellious and tempestuous children who find it difficult to accept that they cannot do what they want at all times and it is here that, some parents in the need to show them the way, can force the rope too much and make them obey them for fear, more than respect and not only that, but in the process they breed resentment towards them.
Next, I propose some differences that allow us to see what type of driving leads to fear and which to respect. Which ones do you most identify with as a parent?
- The messages are contradictory, parents many times punish certain behaviors that are common and frequent in them as adults or are asked to respond in a way that is the opposite of what they commonly do.
- All decisions come from the parents never taking into account the opinions of their children.
- Severe consequences are continually threatened and almost never related to the offense committed.
- Parents react according to their mood. Sometimes a not so serious offense can be punished if the parents are in a bad mood, on the contrary, more serious things can be missed when they are distracted or with friends, this generates uncertainty and confusion in children.
- The child is disqualified and not the behavior. For example: 'you are lazy', 'rude', 'useless'.
- Parents often lose control and may use physical punishment.
- Parents are intransigent and immovable once they have set a limit. They fear losing control.
- What is taught is modeled by example. The best way to show what is expected of children is to do it as parents.
- Depending on the age of the children, they are allowed to decide on issues that directly concern them, giving them a limited number of options, making them feel like their opinion is important and allowing them to gradually develop their autonomy and ability to distinguish right from wrong.
- The consequences are logical and they are directly related to the fault. In most cases, it is sought that the damage is repaired and the child understands the damage caused by a certain behavior.
- There is consistency and the same faults always have the same consequences. Children are clear about what is expected of them in each situation.
- It is made clear that the behavior is what must be corrected, but that it does not define the child. For example: 'You need to try harder', 'It is not okay to use bad language', 'You need to be more careful'.
- Never disciplined with violence.
- Parents can, on certain occasions, give in a little or negotiate with their children on issues that are not transcendent, basically 'controlling' the situation.
Finally, one of the basic aspects to make our children feel always loved and generate a climate of mutual respect is listen to them and show them that we understand how they feelGive them a moment to manage their anger and then, when they are calm, explain the consequence for a certain behavior.
You can read more articles similar to How to know if parents generate respect or fear for our children, in the Limits category - On-site discipline.